defeating my negative self talk

I am sick and tired of constantly thinking and feeling like I’m never enough.

(Oh man this is going to be hard to write. I can already feel the negative voice in my head freakin’ the f*ck out.)

Bold statement, and maybe it made you cringe, but maybe you were like, "yeah”.

I used to think  the thought of there “never being enough” was confined to the quantitative things in my life, like money and time.

Oh boy, I can’t begin to tell you how my life has been narrated by the idea that there is never going to be enough time or money for me to be happy, have the life I want, or feel good, etc.

current mood board

*All images are sourced from Pinterest

I’m not here to tell you how to fix this because I really don’t believe someone can tell you what to do. I firmly believe we can motivate others and inspire change but the the real work is finding our own particular way to freedom.

In fact, the idea that I don’t have any of the answers but that my story and my answers can be a source of power for others is what has pushed (or pulled) me to starting writing again. I used to think I could buy the program or read the book and learn someone else's secret and poof! I’ll be healed.

But after 11 years of searching, I’m realizing (the long hard way) that the answers are not out there. In fact, they are buried inside me and I’m the only one with the flashlight bright enough to find them.

If you read my last post (you can read it here), you know I’m going through some shit. While I know I don’t have to have it all figured out by my due date (as if having it all figured out is even a thing), I feel a new sense of heat rising under my butt that is helping me face fears I’ve been hiding from for quite some time.

They say, “the desire for change HAS to come from within” and I truly believe that. There comes a time in everyone's life where they just. can’t. take. it. anymore. And I’m there.

• I have the fear that I won’t have enough time for myself or a career once the baby is here.

• I have the fear that I will never make enough money and always feel like I’m drowning.
  

• I have the fear that who I am is not going to be enough for this baby, my husband, and the world.

These thoughts, while I know they sound ridiculous and my filtered confidant self would say she doesn't believe them, are stories I’ve told myself over the years that have transformed into beliefs when I wasn’t looking.

I’ve allowed my thoughts to roam free without supervision for far too long.

This is where I begin; with my words. How I talk to myself in the comfort of my mind. I know examining the 50,000 thoughts I have a day sounds close to impossible, but like said earlier, I’m sick and tired and I am on a mission.

Like any good goal crusher, I’m chunking down this task into bite-sized pieces. I’m starting with the obvious negative self talk and replacing it with something more positive when I can. I say when I can because even becoming aware of the thoughts I’ve been thinking forever is hard work.

Replacing Negative Self Talk

Instead of “I can’t”

I’m saying “I don’t want to” or ”The real reason I’m not willing to commit is ...”

Instead of “I’m broke”

I’m saying “I don’t have the money for that right now/yet”

Instead of “I’m fat, stupid, ugly”

I’m saying “I forgive you for having that thought. I know you’re tired/upset/sad but you’ve got this”

Instead of “I’ll never be enough”

I’m saying “I’m already enough. The fact I am here is proof”

OK, that’s enough of me spilling my guts out for one night. My higher self is exhausted from holding back my ego to write this. In fact, I’m being told to delete it all, but if you’re reading it, you know who won.

All my love,

jodi x