I have to say I was extremely naive before I lost Elizabeth. I never really thought that truly horrible things happened to good people. Of course, I’d heard of terrible injustices happening to people that seemed good, but I never really knew them and quite frankly, didn't think too much because it didn't happen to me. I’d been desensitized to most news. Stories about murders, car accidents, hungry children, homelessness, and rape (and I could go on and on) are so mainstream that I compartmentalized them without even realizing it … until the unthinkable happened to me. 

This lesson is a terrible one. And it’s really one of the lessons you will never learn until it happens to you, at least I don’t think so anyway. The emotions one feels when a traumatic event happens to them are like no other. I’ve always considered myself an empath and could deeply feel others’ feelings but grief is on a whole other level. The “why me” aspect of death (and things closely related) cuts really deep. This makes it impossible to know how it feels when terror strikes because an outsider never asks herself/himself “why me?” You might ask “why?” , but never “why me” because it didn't happen to you, plain and simple.

There is a lot of deep deep soul searching when trying to understand why accidents, unexplained deaths, and the like happen. I think it’s our selfish nature as humans to immediately think it’s about us. I did. I would survey my mind for days and weeks after Elizabeth trying to understand what I did in this life to be dealt such a terrible situation. I cried on my bathroom floor uncontrollably for months (and still do sometimes) asking for an answer and the only thing I ever came up with is … nothing. As in, I did nothing wrong. No one ever does. No one deserves the pain that this life deals us but it still exists.

Terrible wrongs are committed every day to well-meaning, beautiful humans. There is no way to make sense of it. This is where letting go comes into play. Letting go of trying to make sense of it all. There is no sense to be made of the senseless. When I slowly started to accept that, things got a little easier. It doesn't mean I don’t still have moments of anger and frustration, but I’m reminded much quicker now that life doesn't owe me answers. It’s a gift, truly a gift to be here. When I start looking at it from this perspective, everything changes.

Talk to you next week,

jodi xx