Sadness is what I called it, depression seemed too big, too serious, and what business did I have in being depressed. I’ve felt this familiar feeling many times in my life but it passes, it always passes but since Elizabeth’s death it’s been different.

The “sadness” felt heavier, stayed longer, and dove deeper. Whereas before I could see the end, now there was no end in sight. It hasn’t been until this past few months or so that I can finally see it … my depression. 

You hear a lot in the world of self-help and therapy about needing to own the problem before you can heal it. I know I can't possibly heal these wounds if I can’t look honestly at them, calling my sadness depression is a step in that direction. It frees up energy for me to focus on the work instead of the energy-sucking pretense of I’m ok.

Most of the time it’s the thought of what it will look like or what others will think more than the act itself. We make up stories and those stories control us. If we step into the very thing that scares us, we can see it will be the thing that sets us free. 

BUT, I’m not advocating for you to act when you’re not ready. I believe there is a difference between not feeling ready but being ready. If you feel paralyzed and scared for life at the thought of an action, it’s not time. I’m a firm believer that even in our most hopeless moments only we know what’s best for us. Trusting yourself is the greatest gift you will ever be given. If you can’t, I suggest working on it. Little by little, making boundaries and keeping them will create a trust in yourself that grows and allows you to listen to your gut, a necessity for living.

When therapists and teachers told me “you have to trust yourself,” I thought, “of course, I trust myself. How could I not?” But as I spent more time in silence really listening to the thoughts in my head, I realized I felt paralyzed with fear because I couldn’t trust any thought in my head. I didn’t know which one was there to help and which was gonna hurt. It’s a very scary thing to not be able to trust your own thoughts. How can one possibly move forward in life when every decision feels impossible to make. 

If this is you, know that it’s normal and nothing is wrong. And then start the work. The work of going inside and listening and learning. A few of my favorite tools that are affordable are listed below. I also have to suggest therapy because it has helped me a lot but it isn’t accessible for everyone. 

• To Be Magnetic

• Gabby Bernstein 

• Headspace or Calm app

Until next week … take good care of yourself, 

jodi xx