What does the world need from me?

hello friends...it’s been a few weeks

I knew the month of May was gonna be a hard one for me. My body ached with sadness. May was filled with dates that brought up TONS of emotions for me; Mother’s Day, My Birthday and Elizabeth's birthday. I was hoping to find lots of joy in these days but have experienced an extreme amount of pain I wasn't really expecting. It’s almost two years since Elizabeth passed and I keep thinking it’s going to get easier, but the universe has other plans for me. I wonder if this journey I’ve been on the past few weeks is trying to tell me something. I’ve felt this urge to share, to write … but also, to go inward. To reassess what it means to grief, to be depressed, and to lose a loved one. 

I’m the first one to say I distract myself in order to avoid the pain and sometimes I think that's really necessary. We need to take time away from our thoughts or they overwhelm us and become something impossible to heal. But there is a fine line between rest and avoidance. For the past month I've taken a huge break from social media. I was feeling very triggered by the smallest things, but also feeling not much at all. I was becoming numb to it all. It was a drug. I stopped picking up my phone every time I felt empty. Instead, I looked toward my tools. I began to feel so much better. 

I’ve started up therapy again and journaling, even mediating in the AM. I’ve made my mental health a priority, which is hard when you have a baby. My energy was so low and my attitude even lower. I could feel myself slipping into dangerous territory and completely devoid of purpose.

I started to pray for the first time in a long time. I had given up on God since Elizabeth’s death and felt so angry with him. But I do believe in a higher power, a force beyond that I can comprehend, so I asked that voice, I called her the universe. She, I believe, is really me. The most authentic version of me and when I ask her for help she always delivers. She led me back to my tools. I started watching old Gabby Bernstein workshops, meditations, devouring podcasts, and starting my mornings with kundalini breath work.

I am a work in progress, every day I start again. There is no end point, just a desire to live my life with joy and purpose for myself and my family. I’m slowing it down, listening to my intuition (which can be impossible when your ego is always telling you you're wrong). I’m not sure how to help a lot of the time. But writing feels right to me. So here we are.

With lots of love,

jodi x